A Brief Reprieve From the 5QIP: A Basketball Tradition Gone Awry

OK, I’m going to be the bad guy for a second, but hear me out.  You may not like what is said or agree with it, but at least you’ll understand where I am coming from.  It is not out of malice, ill-will, or poor sportsmanship but rather sincerity and respect.  While the IHSA’s ATTITUDE mascot may shake his head in disapproval or cover his eyes in fear, I think a majority of coaches and players would agree with me.   It’s time to put an end to a recent trend in high school basketball.  

I’m going to broach the subject as a question, but really it’s a statement.  Can we please do away with the obligatory post-introduction-player-opposing coach- handshake (Now known as the PIPOCH)?  Let me clarify for those who are from states that do not do this or who are simply unaware.  The PIPOCH occurs after a player is introduced by the PA announcer.  The player initially runs through the tunnel formed by his teammates who are usually in the midst of a rhythmic group clap (Except the kid who feels like he should be starting.  He usually has his hands to the side in silent protest).   The player then usually meets the team clown at the end of the tunnel for some sort of spin-move, double high-five, chest bump, point to the sky move (this varies based on the team clown's versatility).   After the hand-shake ritual, they make a v-cut to the referees who are standing in front of the scorer’s table and give each one a fist bump.  Brown-nosing over, the player then jogs over to the opposing coach and shake their hand and say something along the lines of “good luck coach.” 

My nephew's reaction while watching the PIPOCH.  Side Note:  This kid is going to be at least a 4 on the 5 QIP Scale 

To the untrained eye, this just looks like good old-fashioned sportsmanship.  To me, it’s simply PIPOCHracy.  Sportsmanship is helping a player up after a hard-foul in tightly contested game.  It’s playing the game hard, but not dirty.  Sportsmanship is putting your subs in when the game is out of hand.  It’s not running up the score when the outcome has been decided.  It’s genuinely shaking hands after the game, offering encouragement and a handshake-hug or two.  The PIPOCH was probably originally meant to be a sincere sign of respect, but it has lost that meaning.  It has become an obligation and a distraction. 

To clarify, I believe in sportsmanship.  I love the tradition in hockey, where after a hard fought

Real and Sincere Sportsmanship

series, both teams will line up and shake hands and express their mutual admiration for each other.   I’m a huge fan of the soccer jersey exchange after international play.   The PIPOCH can even be touching and appropriate if used sparingly, such as after an opposing coach has lost a loved one in their family or during an intense rivalry as a symbol of “letting cooler heads prevail.”  Those type of traditions are unique and genuine.  When something is done over and over again for no clear purpose, like the regular PIPOCH, it loses its meaning.  It devalues sincere acts of sportsmanship.  That’s a bad thing.

Let’s think about the PIPOCH in terms of real-life scenarios and how absurd it would sound.  Could you picture OJ Simpson fist-bumping Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden before their closing arguments and wishing them good luck?  How about Robert Downey Jr. wishing Charlie Sheen well before they both read for the lead in Iron Man?  Better yet, would George Bush Sr. and Saddamm Hussain have met for a beer and exchanged pleasantries before the start of the Gulf War?  No, absolutely not.  That’s just not the nature of people or our society.  OJ would have been doing the proverbial courtroom “Noonan” in his head throughout the entire closing argument.  Downey Jr. would have performed some sort of Voodoo ritual on a Sheen action figure prior to the audition.  And if George Bush Sr. could have, he would have kicked off the war with a Comedy Central Roast of Hussein as a means of boosting public morale.

Your’re probably thinking: woah relax buddy, it’s not that big a deal.  You are blowing this completely out of proportion.  I can’t argue with you there.   You’re probably right.  However, think about it from a player and coach’s perspective.  The player wants to be by his teammates so that they can join the team clown in giving the next teammate that is introduced a high five, followed by a quick “Dougie” into a Bash Brothers elbow tap.  The opposing coach wants nothing to do with it, because he is in the midst of giving his last-minute scouting report reminders to his team.  More often than not, he will designate an assistant coach to be the official “hand-shaker”, who doubles as an offensive lineman to block any player from trying to get near the head coach and distract the team.  If that doesn’t tell you what coaches think about the PIPOCH tradition, I don’t know what does! 

The PIPOCH has become such a staple that coaches feel obligated to instruct their player’s to do it.  Even if they are not instructed to do it, the players do it on their own out of habit.  If they don’t, the coach or the player looks like a bad sport or a jerk among  those who don’t understand the inner-workings of what is really happening.   I’d equate this predicament to a kid who is forced to ask his girlfriend to Prom by base-jumping off the third floor of the school during dismissal so everyone can hear him scream “Kristin, will you go to Prom with me!!!!!” instead of simply saying “Kristin, will you go to prom with me?” after watching the latest episode of Pretty Little Liars.  The over-the-top Prom ask (Or OTTPA) has become the norm.  Just like the PIPOCH, it has lost all its meaning.

In the end, it’s up to us coaches to put an end to this.  If you happen to be playing the Kenwood Broncos this year, know that I will have absolutely zero problem with you instructing your players not to shake my hand before the game.  In fact, I will take that as a sincere sign of respect.  By allowing me and our coaching staff to focus on the kids in our huddle, you are displaying the ultimate form of sportsmanship.  We can shake each other’s players’ hands after the game.  Anything else would be PIPOCHritical.  Who’s with me?